


Another loss, another gain

by NeverBeenACorpse



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Feelings, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Non-sexual, Talking, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-05-15 14:32:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5788948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeverBeenACorpse/pseuds/NeverBeenACorpse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the Inquisitor returns from the Fade, Hawke isn't in the group any longer. Varric takes the loss of a close friends hard, and the Inquisitor listens, comforts, but suggests that Cassandra might be a better audience. After all, Hawke were a big part of her life, even if they'd never met before this. <br/>Varric, reluctantly, takes the advice to heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Another loss, another gain

**Author's Note:**

> This was a feeling/thought I got after I chose to save Stroud instead of Hawke. One-shot, but might write more, if the inspiration strikes, as I'm quite onboard the Cassandra/Varric ship <3

The Inquisitor stood still, looking down att Varric, who continued to tell the tale of how Hawke had mystified some would-be home wreckers. When Varric paused, she leaned in, and hugged him. Varric hugged back, eyes red with held back tears.   
”I’m so sorry, Varric. Hawke was a good friend - I only wish we’d have the time to get to know each other better, before…”   
”Did I tell you what Hawke did, that one time, when some thugs came to their house in Hightown? Hawke and the mother, they just… you know what? They INVITED the thugs, for TEA! Who’d do that, beside Hawke?” Varric tried to laugh, but the sounds were closer to sobs, and the Inquisitor didn’t really know what to do now.   
”You know, Varric… I’m sure Cassandra would like to hear that story as well. She knew Hawke, after all. And she knew how close you two were.”  
”Yeah, like she’d like to listen to me tell stupid tales about the Champion. Not since she flipped a bloody table over me.”  
The Inquisitor smiled. ”I think you’d be surprised. After all, she really did like those books you wrote, those, Shield and… what was it? Swords and Shields?”  
Varric snorted loudly. ”I still don’t really believe it. Why would she ever want to read my works? Especially the romantically written ones. I still think you’re both setting me up to some sick joke later on, I just can’t find the punchline…”  
”Better believe it, Varric. She was mortified when she realised I’d seen her read it.”  
”Still amazes me.”  
”Varric. Go find her. She’d listen. I know it.”  
Varric tried to say something, lost the words, and just nodded, before he walked out towards the courtyard. 

Cassandra stood where she usually trains her fighting technic, but her sword lay on the ground and she stood leaned against the stone wall. She looked up as she heard Varric approach.   
”Varric. I… I can’t tell you how sorry I am, for everything…”  
”Yeah, I’m quite sorry too, that you like my romance novells…”  
Cass flew into a power-stance, with lots of biting responses on the tip of her tongue, but she saw the hanging shoulders and the red eyes on Varric, and swallowed every word she wanted to say. Varric took a few steps closer, but stopped more then an arms width away.   
”I heard about what happened in the Fade. About Hawke, and that they couldn’t come back in time. The Inquisitor told me, and I’m sorry, Varric. Hawke were your friend, and no matter how angry I was at you for keeping Hawke hidden from me, I have to respect such dedication. Few friends would stand their ground as solidly as you did. I should know, better then most.”  
Varric stayed silent, at a loss for words. Usually he’d had a ton of sarcastic, biting, or humorous replies, but he felt drained.   
”The Inquisitor said you like to talk to me, Cassandra. About Hawke. But other then that, I don’t really have time for empty words.”  
Cass lost her trail of thoughts. That remark hurt a lot more then she’d actually admit, even to herself, but she felt she couldn’t just blurt out something alike. Not when Varric looked like this; he looked completely broken.   
She relaxed, swallowed her anger, and sat down, with her back against the stone. Varric threw a glance at her, and she looked straight at him, while patting the ground beside her.   
”I’m not gonna sit here getting all chummy with you, Seeker. Sorry to disappoint, but if not for the Inquisitor I wouldn’t even be here, and I have lot of… ”  
”Come sit down here right now, or I might start acting like the prison-guard you seem to think I am.”  
Varric shifted in surprise at the tone Cass used, and they shared eye contact for a solid moment, filled with unspoken words, and Varric were the first to look away. With a heavy sigh, he walked over to were Cass were sitting, and with exaggerated reluctance he sat down more then an arms-length from her. Cass smiled sarcastically, and bent forward, supporting her arms on her knees.   
”What was it the Herald said you should tell me, then? About the Champion?”  
Varric hesitated, but begun to talk, and soon lost himself in the story-telling. Cass watched, listened, and was soon dragged into the lulling pace of his story-telling. 

The first tale ended, and without missing a beat Varric continued; anecdote after anecdote out of Hawkes life, with Cass listening attentively, asking a few well-placed questions, and time got lost somewhere in between.   
They sat on the ground, Varric leaning sideways against the wall, with his left hand available to do vide gestures as he talked, and Cass smiled as she looked at him.   
”… and you know what Hawke did then? Sprinted TOWARDS the giant spider! Me, I was nearly loosing my mind, screaming at Hawke to wait, but I’m not sure my words ever even made it out of my mouth. Even the spider seemed scared, I tell you, and I didn’t even know spiders could feel before this moment! But Hawke didn’t give a damn, just… just…”  
Varric trailed off, loosing his posture. Cass, who’d completely lost trail of time and her own reluctance to show any kind of emotion and had now completely succumbed to the story, didn’t see it at first.   
”So? What happened? Did Hawke…” Then she saw. The lost look on Varies face. The slumping shoulders, and downtrodden expression. She leaned in a bit closer, putting a careful hand on Varric’s shoulder, and he just sighed.   
”Varric…”  
”No, don’t mind me, I just…” Varric shook her hand of his shoulder, and sat up a bit straighter. ”Were was I? Well, Hawke ran towards that giant monster, eh, spider, and it just… Maker damn it all…”  
Cass sat quiet beside him, for a while. Varric looked down on his hands, fibbling with a straw of grass, and she didn’t really know were to put her hands. She didn’t dare touch his shoulder again, since he’d actively shaken her off and she felt her stupid pride hindering her from even trying to get closer to him, even though she felt he needed it. Like she needed it. But only because HE, Varric, were sad and down and nothing else. Never.   
”Do you know what I miss the most?” Varric said, in a weak voice. ”Hawkes stupid jokes. ’What do you get when you order a raid on a noble’s house? Not breadcrumbs, at least!’ Like, what does that even mean? Why is that funny? How did Hawke even…”  
The silence was profound. Cass looked away.   
”You know… I’ll miss Hawke, as well. We never knew each other, but… through your stories, it’s like I was there. In the Deep Roads, on your expedition. Fighting that High Dragon over at the Bone Pit. Feeling the betrayal as Isabela stole off with the Tome. And If I can feel all this, from only your words… Then what must you be feeling, then?”  
Varric let out a small grunt, but it sounded a lot more like a sob. Cass glanced over at him, seeing those red eyes with tears barely held back, before she looked away again.   
”You must have been really good friends. And I know what it’s like to loose friends like that. I’m not saying I know what your feeling, but I can respect it, none the less. Loosing someone is always… beyond words, really. And for what it’s worth: I’m sorry.”  
Quiet, again. Nothing beside wind and birds, and distant sounds of metal against metal, from soldiers training, and people talking in the tavern, and a humming.   
”Look, Cassandra…”  
Cass did look, even though it wasn’t what Varric meant. She saw him, sitting still, almost unnaturally still, and very clearly Not Looking at her. She kept quiet, letting him take his time finding words.   
”Cass… I don’t know what to say. I just don’t. I miss Hawke. I really, really do. And I kind of hate the Inquisitor for making me go here, to you, but… Thanks. For listening. Really.”  
Cass couldn’t help it, and smiled.   
”Anytime, Varric.”  
”You don’t mean that.”  
”No, I don’t, because I’m tired of your never-ending ’jokes’ and extravagant stories…”  
”They’re true, mostly. I’ve just witnessed lots of extravagant things in my life!”  
”… but I still enjoyed this evening. Hearing you talk about Hawke, like this, without the credulous and naive crowd you seem to gather at every tavern… its actually… nice.”  
”Wow, slow down there Seeker! Did you just call my company, and me alone, ’nice’? What’s this demon possessing you, or did the Inquisitor…?”  
Cass shoved Varric, maybe a little too hard, but still held a smile on her face, that she tried desperately, and in vain, to hide. Varric shoved back, a bit lighter, and leaned in to try and get a good look at that smile.   
”Cass, stay still, I’m only trying to help, you know I’ve been friendly with abominations and possessed people before, I know the signs! Just stop squirming or I’m gonna call the guards to arrest you, and nobody wants that!”  
”Maker help me, I will throw you off a cliff Varric!”  
”Oh no, the threats, it’s worse then I thought! I think we need help…!”  
”If you call out for anything, I will personally gut your eyes out, you stone-headed half-writer!”  
”Cassandra, I’m sorry to break this to you, but your insults suck.”  
Cass held Varies hands in and iron grip, but he’d stopped struggling, and she thought that he only let her hold him like this, which only made it worse. She let go.   
”Andraste guide me, because I’m so close to up your ass and throw you in the dungeon again.”  
”Seeker, I’ve told you about making empty threats against a professional story-writer. I see right through them all, and you’re not accomplishing anything…” Cass didn’t even respond, just turned away and stared into the distance, a smile still stuck on her face. Varric watched her for a moment.   
”It was nice to talk to you.”  
Cass turned to look at him. ”Well, were’s the hidden barb, or concealed insult? I’m waiting.”  
Varric sighed. ”I guess we both need to work on our trust in case this should ever work…”  
”This? What’s ’this’, Varric? What…”  
Varric looked terrified, like he’d said way too much, and Cass stopped in the middle of a word when she realised what he might have meant by ’this’. They sat still, Varric staring into the distance and Cass with her mouth half-open.   
”You… didn’t just…?”  
”No, of course, I’d never, I’m just talking shit, you know me, I’ll never…!” Varric’s cheeks blossomed pink under the tanned skin, giving his face an unusual shade, and Cass felt a surprising warmth flush her face. She quickly turned away, not knowing where to put her hands, or where to look, or what to say.   
”Good. Because, you and I…”  
”Makers ass no, never, I wouldn’t…!”  
”Yeah, well, me neither, so…”  
”Perfect, we understand each other, good, good…”  
”We wouldn’t ever, well, as you’re half my height…”  
”I’d never suggest such a thing, Bianca would kill me, and…”  
”Well it’s good you didn’t as I’d never stand you for longer periods of time anyway, it would just be awkward and…”  
”Dorian would be such a smug ASS-hat if he’d ever think we’d really…”  
”My family already disapprove, I shouldn’t give them anything else to hate about me…”  
”And as you said, I’m a dwarf and you’re a… human, so… it’d never work, anyway.”  
”Yeah. Of course. Not that we’d ever find out. Ever.”  
”It would just be stupid, who’d even think such a thing, beside Dorian, but his head is always in the gutter.”  
”Precisely, we’re not stupid, we know it’d never ever work, and…”  
”Yeah, there’s just too much different about us.”  
”Way too much, me being human and all.”  
”And me being with the Merchants Guild and you being a Seeker.”  
”It’d never work.”  
”Ever.”  
”Exactly.”  
The last few words hang in the distance between them, now much closer then when they’d first sat down here, which must have been hours ago, maybe even a lifetime. The quiet, filled with said and unsaid words, swelled between them. Cassandra promised herself to not say anything, because the quiet wasn’t awkward, because nothing awkward had happened, and it was just uncomfortable sitting her alone with Varric for so long, nothing else, and she were just hungry, when did she last eat, and she guessed he’d be hungry and even tired, just as she was, as he’d been the one talking the whole evening. But she wouldn’t start the conversation. Of course not. She had nothing to say. But asking if he were hungry weren’t conversation-starting, maybe it didn’t count. Maybe she should just say it, a few words, and walk off, like nothing happened. Well, nothing DID happen, so she should act like it, starting NOW.   
”Are you…”  
”Maybe we…”’  
Quiet, again. Both of them began talking simultaneously, getting quiet in the middle of words, in case the other one had something more important to say. Why did she feel so nervous, she wasn’t nervous, there was nothing to be nervous about, of course she wasn’t nervous, she had no reason to be. But what if she were…   
”Cass.”  
”Varric.”  
”I… Makers ass, where are the words when I need them, eh… Look, Cass. I’m serious, and I’m saying that it’s stupid of me to even say it, or think it, but between us two, nothing could ever work. We’ve been enemies, kind of, and from that to allies, and we both have our own life, our own friends and more, and we’re just… We could never, ever work this out.”  
”You’re completely right. We couldn’t. So we should stop talking about it. Right now.”  
”Of course, of course…” For a moment, there was quiet, and then Varric resumed talking. ”It’s just so Maker damns hard not to.”  
This time, the quiet was different. More… empty. Like something had been pulled out, maybe even ripped out, and they both sat there, exposed to the sun and shadow and winds and grass around them. It felt almost sad.   
”Varric…”  
A lot of words went unspoken. A lot of words almost spoken, but stuck in their throats, their minds, on their tongues, and the quiet drew the air out of them both.   
Finally, Varric sighed, and leaned against Cass. She twitched, then put her arm up around him. With closed eyes, they carefully leaned in against each other, hearts beating, ready to pull back in case either of them did something, said something, anything. But neither did. Varric shifted his feet, and leaned in against Cass’s shoulder, and she hugged him closer. She even put her head softly against his.   
They sat like that, both tense and uncomfortable, but neither moved. Cass realised she didn’t want to move, and closed her eyes, and tried to relax. Varric let out a sigh.   
”Dorian’s gonna chew us up for this, with his smug face and terrible smile.”  
”And the Inquisitor’s never gonna let this fall through the cracks either.”  
Silence.   
”I guess we’re both fucked, then.”  
Cass just sat quiet, without responding. Thinking. And then doing her best not to think.   
”I hate you for this.”  
”Hate the Inquisitor, for sending me over here in the first place.”  
”I hate everything.”  
”Me too.” Varric said, as he leaned in closer, and Cassandra let him. Finding a comfortable position, she actually relaxed, and they sat there, both of them quite relaxed, with Cass having wrapped both her arms around him, before both of them closed their eyes, trying to imagine a different world.


End file.
